A revolution is upon us, but not the kind of revolution where bearded hipsters gather to play bongos and block traffic; nay, friends, I speak of a revolution in technology. There is so much wonderful new technology being developed every day, it is all I can accomplish to restrain myself from advancing to the nearest Best Buy store with all possible dispatch, violently accosting a sales clerk and proffering the totality of my monetary resources, all the while crying "Sustenance, raiment, protection from the elements - yea, all these shall I forsake, in order that I may possess a cell phone that lets me talk, send e-mail and watch the new special edition Teen Wolf DVD all at once!"
Chief among these developments, of course, is that which allows you to view what I write this day: the all-powerful internet. Computer users everywhere have discovered the incredible benefits of high-speed internet connections, which are renowned for their ease of installation. All you have to do is call the high-speed internet company to set up a house-call appointment 6 months in advance, at which point the guy comes over, takes a look at the lines and finds out that you need some extra piece of equipment which will take another 12 weeks to arrive, then when it finally arrives the internet company has to get permission to use the lines from Verizon or whatever other mega-conglomerate telecom giant actually owns them (this last part usually involves large amounts of martinis and cattle sacrifices). But it’s all worth it when, after everything is installed and you’re settling down in front of your PC to watch the latest Cheap Trick concert webcast, the entire Eastern Seaboard has a blackout and you rediscover the joys of reading books by candlelight.
So it can be seen that the internet has indeed changed our lives. But such fortuitous attainments could never have been achieved without the invention of the telephone, which itself has undergone much evolution in its relatively brief epoch of existence thus far. It would be impossible to overestimate the importance of having voice-mail systems that allow you to either hang up OR press 2 for further options. Oh, how woefully limited were the telephonic possibilities of our forebears! Why, some systems even allow you to listen to your own message and re-record it before making a final commitment - undoubtedly a reflection of our liberated times. I must admit that I have passed many a slow afternoon by calling an office I knew to be vacant at the time, and using their voicemail setup to immerse myself in a continuous loop of my own blather.
Even as we speak, so many new developments are underway that my head will just explode from anticipation overload if I talk about it anymore. Stay tuned to this column for coverage of all the latest technology news, including a new wireless e-mail system that will allow its users to send crucial messages like "How R U? LOL! C U L8R!" up to 7 times faster.
