The medical profession is riddled with quacks. Even in major hospitals, you can still find doctors who insist that American bachelors are subject to the same basic guidelines of health as the rest of the human race. In the interests of undoing the effects of such hogwash on the average citizen’s thinking, I hereby present the following guide to bachelor nutrition, soon to be found at supermarket checkout lines everywhere (right next to those little crossword puzzle books).
The Seven Bachelor Food Groups
The foods that bachelors should consume on a regular basis may be classified into seven major categories as shown in the following helpful pyramid diagram. Feel free to cut this out and stick it on your refrigerator.
You might be wondering why I didn’t include Polish sausage or Macadamia nuts in this pyramid. While it is true that these food groups were once accepted as important by the American Council on Single Male Eating Habits (ACSMEH), their standing in recent years has been eclipsed by a wider range of low-cost alternatives that provide the same nutritive value. I run a progressive column here.
Kitchen Maintenance for Bachelors
Contrary to popular opinion, bachelors rank among the world’s finest housekeepers. Some of you will no doubt complain that bachelors are notorious for leaving dirty dishes in the sink for more than 24 hours at a stretch. Little do you know that when this is done, the stench emanating from the sink carries through the air and out the window and melds with every other odor in the general area, including that of bus fumes, garbage cans, incontinent dogs, and burned-out filaments from broken street lamps. This combination of odors becomes so overwhelmingly noxious that it causes a passerby to turn loopier than a fruitcake after one whiff, and then he starts talking to himself in public, which makes him look like someone with one of those hands-free attachments for his cell phone, and then he gets hired to be the next T-Mobile spokesperson, and he becomes a big star and makes a lot of money and buys the whole apartment building, and as a token of gratitude towards the bachelor who procrastinated on washing his dishes, he promises to keep rents down, which results in lower blood pressure for all the tenants. Am I to understand that you would deny innocent bystanders the right to lower blood pressure by doing your dishes in a timely fashion? I didn’t think so. Just remember to keep the window open.
Other tips for keeping your residence at minimum bachelor standards:
You can also get some exercise by surfing the internet as often as you can. Stay tuned to this website for future columns.
