If you're anything like me, you feel the need to get away from it all every once in a while. But if you're anything like me, chances are you haven't got the dough to blow on an Aspen ski trip or a Bahamian scuba-diving expedition. No, you've got to get creative when it comes to vacations. You've got to find some method of escape that won't encourage your credit card company to have your kneecaps smashed with a ball peen hammer while you're sleeping, if you catch my oh-so-subtle drift. This year, I decided to spend my vacation riding the New York City subway.
Without the limitations imposed by my personal budgetary concerns, I never would have discovered the joys of spending a vacation on the subway. At $24 a week, a subway vacation is hard to beat, price-wise. And it has a number of health benefits that make it a cost-effective alternative to expensive resort spas:
Riding the subway is not only good for your body, it's nourishment for your mind. On any given subway car, you can find a veritable pantheon of reading material that expands your intellect in ways you never thought possible. Think of what a debt of gratitude the world owes to the New York Post, used copies of which can be found on subway seats everywhere. Whether Renee Zellweger is buying a farm on Long Island or Matt Damon is eating pizza in Soho, you can always count on the Post to keep you informed of the issues of the day. Also available are finely crafted ads for law firms that encourage you to call them if you've ever suffered in any way at all, even if the most traumatic period in your life was when you were forced to miss the final episode of "Seinfeld." And let's not forget catalogs, like the one I saw for the American Sports Memorabilia company. Listed within this catalog was a blood-stained football jersey worn by Dan Marino during a game that took place at least 7 years ago. They were really using the stain as a selling point, too, making sure to use the word "blood" in the headline and also point out its exact location on the photo of the jersey. They were asking $1000. I imagine the jersey comes with a certificate of authenticity, signed by Dan himself, testifying that the stain consists entirely of his own congealed and aging blood. I didn’t bother looking in the pants section of this catalog.
One of the most informative works of literature that ever crossed my path in the subway was a Verizon poster promoting the NYC Pay Phone Project. Aimed at keeping public phones working, the poster encouraged subway riders to call a given number to report any broken payphones they find in the subway. At first I was feeling all charged up and inspired to be a good phone citizen by participating in this project. Then I thought, how can I make the call if the pay phone is broken? I can't use my cell phone because it doesn't work in the subway, which is why I'm using a pay phone to begin with. The only solution would be to find a working pay phone and call the number from there. But if I find a pay phone that works, I don't need the broken one anymore. Oh, cursed quandary!
It was tough returning to normal life when my vacation on rails came to an end. Choking back tears, I turned one last time to watch the N Train crawl off towards its final destination, then I stepped through the turnstile and made my way up to the sidewalk. I was home once again, but I could feel it: someday, I'd return to this magical paradise.
Such is the call of the subway.
